At first, I couldn't breathe.
It started right away in the morning, around 6:30, when I got up and turned the fan off. But only in the middle of the shower did it start to become an issue.
It was like - to quote a TV show I saw last night - I had an elephant on my chest. Just <s>looking</s> thinking of food made be disgusted and breathing was a real issue. When I hurried outside after getting dressed like a lightning bolt, it seemed to help - to take off some of the load - but I couldn't stay outside. It was slightly colder than usual and besides - I had to go downstairs, get ready for school.
I was never claustrophobic before but I was starting to think I was. The world was spinning and when I lay down in that brown couch in front of the open window, so I felt the air. Abba put a blanket on me and I cuddled, feeling a little bit better by the second.
He made an appointment for 10:20.
Abba had to drive my brother Tal to school. He'd be back as soon as possible, he said. I fell asleep as he left. This was strange - a sign for illness already. I never fall asleep once I'm out of bed. If I do... It's because I'm sick. And not Oh-It's-Just-A-Cold sick. My-body-is-fighting-full-power sick.
I woke up around eight, and that's when the pains started. All around my stomach, except where I have my - monthly - pains. It wasn't that urgent though, as the need to breathe. Abba came home around 8:30, I presume, because that's how long it takes to drive to school and back - around an hour. By nine I was feeling sick - throwing up sick - too. Basically 9:30 sharp I threw up on the lovely brown couch. The pains were now just as strong as the need to breathe, perhaps stronger, and I threw up again. I don't know what - I hadn't put anything in my stomach since around 19:00 last night. Before, even.
My dad theorized it might be a panic attack, but it made no sense. What did I have to be anxious about? He said that five years ago, if it were Tal, he would've thought it was because Imma, my mother, had left last night. But I had never had a problem with her leaving. (I missed her, but I never got anxiety attacks.)
By ten I was crying occasionally. This was not what my day was supposed to look like. I was supposed to go to school, audition for that new band, enjoy drama if there was going to be a class(I had heard that he wasn't going to come, like last week) and if not, a double free period. I was going to come home from school and pay up for Red, because Abba had promised he'd get it for me, and play it over and over while I surfed the web.
I already knew by that point that day's plan was irrelevant and was NOT going to happen.
We got there early, 10:15. And we waited until 10:35. I went outside to breathe a couple times, and I cried once or twice from the pain. When we came in, I gave the exact times for each occurrence. After he checked me, he said he had bad news and good news. I asked for the bad news first.
He said he couldn't treat me.
I asked what the good news was.
He said I had the flu and it should be gone quickly.
What you don't realize is I don't get sick easily. Like, at all. But when I do, I go down hard. And with something I'd never had before.
I didn't panic. I'm not that kind of person. But I lay down under the cloudy sky and waited for Abba to get out of the store. He didn't find anything he wanted. We stopped in the grocery store on the way back, and he bought me some coke. Normal coke. The last time we did that I had a stomach virus. It helped a lot.
But not this time. When he came into my room it wasn't clean enough for him. He started cleaning up, and then started reorganizing my closet. I had come to the conclusion a long time ago that this closet did NOT have enough room for my clothes.
He brought down an extra dresser.
We moved things and came to the conclusion I needed more hanging space. All my jeans, non-sweat pants,(about a drawer each) and sweaters (which took up two drawers all by themselves. I have a lot of sweaters) went into that dresser, and we rearranged half my closet. All the while I consumed coke. But there was still much more work to be done when I threw up in the bathroom just after diarrhea. Twice each.
So around one o-clock(my dad told me this, I could not remember for the life of me) I crashed and burned and fell asleep for about five hours.
I had thrown up all the coke. I couldn't keep any of it down.
I asked my dad to buy me one of those pillows, or bottles or whatever, that you fill up with hot water. I had used one once, back in my music teacher's house, and it had been so helpful, I kept asking for it over and over and over ever since (about a year). But it did keep slipping my mind, and I hadn't nagged about it enough.
Abba went and got it for me at superfarm. About a fifteen minute drive each way and ten minutes inside. He came back with the very needed - thing - but I had already thrown up again. By 18:30 I was sound asleep again.
I woke up at eight, after a long, complicated dream in which I was naked most of the time and included a romance between a sixteen year old and some guy who was fat, in his fifties, and had a gray mustache.
I was sure it was midnight. My body felt the same way it does when I fall asleep early and wake up around the witching hour with a need to visit the loo, minus the last part. But then I heard my dad talking to Tal and saying something about closing all windows, and rain. I looked at my alarm clock and realized it was actually eight, like I said before. I called Abba over and asked him to refill the - thing - with some new hot water and to refill the cup with the coke, which I had finished the moment I woke up. When I didn't puke into the bucket by my bed again, I got up and went downstairs and asked for some tea.
Vanilla, two sugars, like always. Not the Chai Masala thing I have only when I'm sick. But my usual.
The phone rang, for the third time today, again for me. Shir was on and we talked about the auditions. She didn't actually get in and she was going to do so tomorrow (but I was not going to be at school tomorrow). So we talked about the annoying small piano they have at school and how they really need a full keyboard one, and what we were thinking of preforming etc. I was going to sing, by the way. Maybe one of my original songs, because I wanted to write - that was why I was auditioning. And I wouldn't even audition if it weren't for Shir auditioning (she said it was likewise). We talked for fifteen minutes, and she promised to talk to the audition guy about me.
I finished my tea and came upstairs. I haven't throwb up since. I started writing this basically right afterward and it is now 21:36 :D
I still am not going to school tomorrow though, and THERE'S HISTORY TOMORROW:( I love history.
I don't wish this on anyone.

So I Went On This Trip

Back on Tuesday-Wednesday and I basically haven't slept since. The internet never sleeps and I have too much to do.

Just let me sleep. Rest, internet, AND GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Curly hair gone straight

HAIR
IS
SO
straight.

I love it.

I'll Figure It Out

I will...

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.

FREAKING EMILY DICKINSON.

The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves.
/ Emily Dickinson

During my education,
  It was announced to me
That gravitation, stumbling,
  Fell from an apple tree!
/ Emily Dickinson

Entry: 18/5/12 19:20

And isn't it completely comprehencible that there's his one girl who's not ever alowed to be upset, or sad, and if she is, she's either going to need to cancel whatever she's been looking forward to since morning or she's going to be SCREAMed at for not wanting to talk about why she CRIED, or just shut the hell up and smile.
And the SCREAMS. They never stop, do they? Constantly all the SCREAMING. If it isn't at HER, then it's at HIM, and if it isn't at him, it's one another, and if it isn't that, well it's HER on HIM or HIM on HER and then THEY're asking themselves where HE and SHE get it from, because it sure as hell isn't THEM, wonderful, calm, peaceful people as they are.
And if it takes her over a second to get to the door of her room, well then, they SCREAM out her name, againandagainandagain until she calls out "What?!" for the third time and all THEY want is to SCREAM some more and then ask her why she isn't in the shower yet, please do, Shabbat is coming in, we wouldn't want a WHOLE FRIDAY to go by without a SCREAM or to, no sir, yesir.
And all those times she prepared speeches, sometimes even wrote it down but no, SHE'll never speak them, for whenever she tries THEY, one of THEM, finds a way to make it all seem so ridiculous and childish , and of course it is, she's fourteen, what else would you expect? And don't worry, after a long enough life you'll be paranoid like us, no thank you, I'm cynical and hurt enough as it is, and is this what it feels like to go mad? Is it?
And if SHE dares think one of these questions in her HEAD, she asks herself, Silly girl, what other fourteen-year-old do you know asks themselves these sort of questions? So SHE hides them from HERSELF and tells that inner voice - always bugging the outside HER - to SHUT UP. And when SHE says she doesn't WANT to be normal, she can't help but question this EVERY time, don't you want to fit in?(of course she does, but will she?)
And when she CRIES, isn't there supposed to be someone you want to tell all about it? The one person(or two or three, really) you can always cry on their shoulder, no matter what? And yet, as many friends as she has, learning to hug and touch and care again(in that order), all she can do is ask herself Is this girl going away for good because she and I barely spoke today because I read so much during break? But I just HAD to finish the book, besides, she's not going away, that's just your abandonment issues(or whatever) and really you're just being silly. And oh, those looks, they don't want HER in this conversation, or at all, and of course she always wants to talk, nobody would ever notice her if she didn't.
And when will she stop LYING about caring? And maybe the truth is she doesn't care. Maybe she's just putting on a show for herself...
And why does she sometimes look so sure of herself and sometimes blushed like a tomato, really even redder, when someone says SHE's got POTENTIAL?
And why is it she can't eat when she's hungry but when SHE doesn't eat suddenly something's so wrong? And why does everyone complain about HER being like that or joking about that and then they do that exact same thing?
And THEM. They're the king and queen of double talk. And what do they know? Or do they, and she's not unique at all, just another girl with a pencil and a few questions about life that everyone asks?
Is she really smart at all?
And shouldn't she know better than to dream or care?
---
I guess crying never does help. Oh well. I'll try next year.

Nightmares.

Sometimes I get nightmares.
I never wake up screaming or shaking. I'm just suddenly awake, the memory of last night's images echoing in my head.
My subconscious can be very creative.
And mean.
I didn't know those kind of thoughts exist in me!
As funny as it is, the dream took place in my current school but had many students from my old one. I'm guessing that's from seeing three girls from that school yesterday afternoon-evening. There were also girls from this school though.
This is the first time I have this nightmare. Some parts of are repetitive and some are just one-time mares. And they're all downright terrifying.
In one part of the dream, I'm trying to find the library but know I'm looking in the wrong place. I end up meeting the vampire Voldemort, eating a feast of dead meat near the science labs- or at least where they're supposed to be, as I never actually looked at them. I tried to ask for directions for the library, but all Voldemort did was growl and try to bite me. I floated down and ran like hell- straight into a gym class somewhere I've never seen before. Nobody was there yet, and I was sitting down. A girl from this class came in and insisted on teaching me a dance. When I fell down gracefully my gym teacher came in and told us, "very nice, we'll be working on a dance for that song as well." The room started filling up. I don't remember much, just that when I got out I had to go to find the library. So harry potter dispatched Ron and Hermione and headed up the tower- just to meet Voldemort again. He was almost finished with the feast and was red- covered with animal blood. His blue skin was like a Native American's now. I floated up to him again and he smiled in the utmost creepy way and leaned forward to bite me.
He couldn't actually get to me. That was the scariest part. He was holding bones of some animal in his hand and he couldn't get to me without finishing his meal. I knew it, but when he returned to his meal, I was still terrified.
I ran and stumbled, waking up calmly.

"I will make sure to keep my distance/ Say I love you when you're not listening/ And how long can we keep this up, up, up?"(Distance/Christina Perri)
She pondered that every day. But maybe he didn't.
She just wanted him to hold her.

Things I'll Never Say

A list of things I'll never say.

Who am I?

I’m full of things I’ll never say.

I’m lonely when surrounded with friends.

I trust nobody and no one.

I don’t love. I only fear. And I seek love in every corner.

Do I believe in god? Truly?

I’m too rational, yet I present myself as irrational. I guess because I’m so rational it’s easy for me to let go- it’s such a thin line for me. Every move I make is cold and calculated, but I never think of consequences. I never expect what happens to me.

I hate myself and most of all the fact that I can’t resist temptation.

I feel that I’m not good enough in anything.

Why?

I wish you could see how lonely I truly am. How insecure.

I learned how to fight like this from you two. And you fight so much…

I don’t UNDERSTAND.

I need to the bathroom.

It’s a thrill, to not get caught in a lie.

To cheat.

Music.

FUCK ALL OF YOU!

Do you even know me?

Shit fuck damn fuck shit damn damn shit fuck.

I’m nobody’s anything.

 Stop complimenting me! I don’t deserve it!

I’m ugly. I’m dumb. I’ve got no talent.

I HATE YOU!

Let me go!

You are so STUPID! How can you BE so freaking dumb??? When will you see?

Do I?

Do I ever smile?

Do I ever laugh?

STOP IT!

Stop it! I just want to cry…

Cry, baby, cry…

I love you.

I love you too.

Parents

UGH.
They always say that they don't know where we get it from and then do it ten times worse.
Always say that we don't think about anyone but ourselves, and all I wanna say is: Of course. Because we're children. And you don't deem to get it.
Don't give you the chance to explain. Ever. It's like they don't believe we can. Or they don't want us to.
Think that we never think about anyone else.
They are WRONG.
But as long as we're there, they're gonna complain about us.
Don't you DARE wonder where we got it from.

Hard

Growing old is so hard.