And isn't it completely comprehencible that there's his one girl who's not ever alowed to be upset, or sad, and if she is, she's either going to need to cancel whatever she's been looking forward to since morning or she's going to be SCREAMed at for not wanting to talk about why she CRIED, or just shut the hell up and smile.
And the SCREAMS. They never stop, do they? Constantly all the SCREAMING. If it isn't at HER, then it's at HIM, and if it isn't at him, it's one another, and if it isn't that, well it's HER on HIM or HIM on HER and then THEY're asking themselves where HE and SHE get it from, because it sure as hell isn't THEM, wonderful, calm, peaceful people as they are.
And if it takes her over a second to get to the door of her room, well then, they SCREAM out her name, againandagainandagain until she calls out "What?!" for the third time and all THEY want is to SCREAM some more and then ask her why she isn't in the shower yet, please do, Shabbat is coming in, we wouldn't want a WHOLE FRIDAY to go by without a SCREAM or to, no sir, yesir.
And all those times she prepared speeches, sometimes even wrote it down but no, SHE'll never speak them, for whenever she tries THEY, one of THEM, finds a way to make it all seem so ridiculous and childish , and of course it is, she's fourteen, what else would you expect? And don't worry, after a long enough life you'll be paranoid like us, no thank you, I'm cynical and hurt enough as it is, and is this what it feels like to go mad? Is it?
And if SHE dares think one of these questions in her HEAD, she asks herself, Silly girl, what other fourteen-year-old do you know asks themselves these sort of questions? So SHE hides them from HERSELF and tells that inner voice - always bugging the outside HER - to SHUT UP. And when SHE says she doesn't WANT to be normal, she can't help but question this EVERY time, don't you want to fit in?(of course she does, but will she?)
And when she CRIES, isn't there supposed to be someone you want to tell all about it? The one person(or two or three, really) you can always cry on their shoulder, no matter what? And yet, as many friends as she has, learning to hug and touch and care again(in that order), all she can do is ask herself Is this girl going away for good because she and I barely spoke today because I read so much during break? But I just HAD to finish the book, besides, she's not going away, that's just your abandonment issues(or whatever) and really you're just being silly. And oh, those looks, they don't want HER in this conversation, or at all, and of course she always wants to talk, nobody would ever notice her if she didn't.
And when will she stop LYING about caring? And maybe the truth is she doesn't care. Maybe she's just putting on a show for herself...
And why does she sometimes look so sure of herself and sometimes blushed like a tomato, really even redder, when someone says SHE's got POTENTIAL?
And why is it she can't eat when she's hungry but when SHE doesn't eat suddenly something's so wrong? And why does everyone complain about HER being like that or joking about that and then they do that exact same thing?
And THEM. They're the king and queen of double talk. And what do they know? Or do they, and she's not unique at all, just another girl with a pencil and a few questions about life that everyone asks?
Is she really smart at all?
And shouldn't she know better than to dream or care?
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I guess crying never does help. Oh well. I'll try next year.
